Over the last
quarter-century, I have acquired a mastery of maintaining a perpetual dichotomy
of knowledge and belief; in my mind knowing a Truth while my heart clings to
leftover fragments of a Lie. God – in his mercy – is very gently persistent in
cleaning these lies out of my heart while the truth trickles down and brings
healing. Sometimes God moves a little more forcefully to help emphasize a point
and bring me to a deeper level of believing his truth. This year’s short-term
mission trip to Monterrey, Mexico was a definite time of growth for me in the
area of relying on God’s strength rather than my own; a time of relishing my
weakness because it brings him greater glory than my strength ever would.
Leadership, language and evangelism are all areas that I have come to view as
areas of natural or spiritual gifting in my life; yet in all of them I found
myself without the resources I had come to rely upon. In this sudden place of “lack,”
I came to find – yet again – that Christ is sufficient and that to solely rely
on him in weakness leads to greater fruit trying to operate from a place of
self-sufficiency and “strength.”
Leadership and I
have had a long and erratic history, but I’ve come to understand that it is
something God is using me in. After years of lifegroup and homegroup
leadership, I have even come to view myself as a leader. In 2013 and 2014, I
had the privilege of leading our short-term trips to Mexico (with tremendous
amounts of the administrative work done by Pastor Rodger). This year, however,
we began to implement a more universal system of organization for our trips in
order to make them more uniform and create a higher standard of excellence. The
amount of time and focus required to make the Mexico trip what it needed to be
was more than I had to spare (O! bitter admission for my pride). I was not the
only one who saw the need though, and it was suggested that Justin lead the
team this year. This suggestion was perfect for a host of reasons ranging from
logistical benefits for this trip to future vision for the UTSA church plant.
Justin’s leadership style – though precisely what was needed for the trip – is very
different from mine and learning to work with and under it in the preparation
process was extremely good for me. I have a tremendous amount of respect for
Justin; his leadership is a large part of what allowed for a larger team and
beautifully successful trip. It was difficult to admit to myself that my
leadership style and experience were not sufficient, however. God used this to
begin to prepare my heart for the trip; forcing me to depend on him for
security rather than on my control over a situation or group.
Languages
fascinate me and Spanish has been in my life since early elementary. I
discovered that language acquisition came more naturally to me than it did to
my peers in high school and then chose it as my minor at A&M. I studied
Spanish in school, spent a summer learning by immersion in Monterrey and continued
studying after graduation by working through the Rosetta Stone program. Yet for
all of my learning, I had a pretty difficult time getting by in Monterrey
during the trip. The things I wanted to say refused to come out of my mouth and
the things that others would say to me refused to get through to my brain. This
was particularly difficult during our time at UANL – the campus where English
was not taught – as I was my group’s “translator.” Fortunately, we met someone
who had moved to Monterrey from San Antonio and we were able to converse in
English. However, my understanding of Spanish and being seen as “the gringo who
(mostly) understands Spanish” had become quite the source of pride for me it
turns out. And the difficulty I had with it just served to put me on yet
another level of depending on God instead of my ability to communicate.
Initially (and
naturally) terrifying for me, evangelism was always something I felt convicted
about, but avoided in my early Christian life. Through Fellowship’s Outreach
Class, however, I discovered the beauty and joy of sharing the gospel. I came
to love it and view it as the central purpose of my being alive. And, after
taking the class and being a trainer and doing a solid month of non-stop
outreach in Mexico in 2011, I became pretty comfortable with it. Sharing my
faith became natural and easy. This year’s trip to Mexico bore more immediate
fruit than all of the past trips I have been on combined. We saw 15 people give
their lives to Christ during our trip. It seemed like every time I looked up, I
saw people praying together or sharing the gospel. It was so beautiful. And I
was struggling with evangelism. Every time I tried to share the gospel, the
story and the words and what metaphors to use and what questions to ask got so
jumbled in my head that I ended up just stumbling through the basics of it
every time. I had a student in the church ask me to share the gospel with his
friend, then about halfway through he took over and preached the good news
beautifully and his friend accepted Christ. It was so amazing to see this
student realizing that he was equipped to share with his friend and lead him to
Christ, but it still stung a little that he learned it at the expense of my
pride. But through this God taught me to depend on the power of gospel itself
and not my ability to present it.
So, the recurring
theme in my life for this STM was the beauty of humble dependence on Christ.
Though it was a discomfiting lesson for my ego to re-learn, there is nothing
more joyous than total reliance on God. We are made to operate from that place
of broken dependence because we are made to be close to God and to bring him
glory. If my own strength is sufficient, my tendency (sad as it is) is to rely
on that, to walk “on my own” and not to lean on God’s everlasting arms. As much
as I do not like the thought of my weaknesses, they are a blessing he has given
to me to keep me in intimate fellowship with him and to let his glory shine
through me. True joy can only be found when we are functioning the way we are
designed to function – in the context of relying on Christ. So I will join Paul
in boasting in my weakness, and doing so gladly for they avail me more and more
beautifully then my strength ever has or ever could.
